So Sorry

Quoting John Lennon the other day made me think of Paul McCartney, who has been in the news a lot lately – album, tour, new Beatles merchandise, biography. And boy, does he look old.

I always leaned more toward John than Paul. Some of the songs McCartney wrote with the Beatles frankly make me want to puke. But there’s one of his post-fab4 tunes that always sticks in my head: “Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey.” It’s not that I particularly care for the song – it’s so typically Paul-cute – but its versatility is remarkable. “We’re so sorry, Uncle Albert, we’re so sorry but we haven’t done a bloody thing all day” lends itself to any number of four-syllable substitutions, provided the accent is on the third.

During my spiritual-questing years, I was somewhat of a devotee of J. Krishnamurti. His name was the first to suggest itself in apology for not having done a thing all day, and it seemed like a not inappropriate replacement. I’m so sorry, Krishnamurti, for not quite going along with everything you said. But you could be quite maddening at times.

Lyndon Johnson was another good one. “We’re so sorry if we caused you any pain” – the irony of it! Or Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, Ronald Reagan. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work so well after them. And no fair stretching or eliding syllables.

How about O.J. Simpson? Homer Simpson? Winslow Homer? Pairs of names work too: Horn & Hardart. Barnes & Noble. John & Yoko.

Michael Jackson fit – as is fitting, since Paul sold him the Beatles catalog. Warren Zevon too. Or Richard Starkey, world’s luckiest guy so no cause for sorrow there. But now, in 2010, it would have to be Lady Gaga. Because the kettle’s on the boil and we’re so easily called away.

Maybe the bottom line is this: We’re so sorry, Paul McCartney. But if anything should happen we’ll be sure to give a ring.