In defense of pizza...

Conservatives are in an uproar. They have always held pizza to be sacred. Cheese and tomato. With pepperoni. Sometimes mushroom or sausage.

But it’s come to their attention that some liberal establishments are violating this sacred trust. Pizza with white sauce. Pizza without sauce! Pizza with tofu cheese or no cheese at all. And perhaps the greatest sin, pizza with arugula.

This cannot be tolerated.

In response, they have passed the Defense of Pizza Enactment (DOPE), which stipulates that pizza shall be regarded as an inviolable union of crust, tomato, and cheese. No substitutions. Any pizzeria that produces pies in violation of this tradition and persists in designating them as “pizza” shall be ineligible for filling take-out orders placed by any federal agency. Other combinations of ingredients will be designated as “oven pies” and consumers will be advised that discount coupons will not be honored for their purchase. In some states, delivery for these products may no longer be an option.

Reaction from liberal enclaves has been swift. California has passed legislation protecting pizza makers from any restrictions on their choice of toppings. Connecticut has enacted similar protection for apizza parlors in New Haven, where clam aficionados picketed federal buildings. And in Chicago, demonstrators marched in support of liberty for all pizza, regardless of crust.

When the President declared his intention to continue to order arugula on his pizzas, conservatives renewed their determination to defend pizza. “After all,” their Speaker said, “if we don’t identify with DOPE, who will?”