Thursday, March 31, 2011

No Gurls Aloud


People on the right repeatedly say they want to “take their country back.” Take it back from whom? From the socialists, immigrants, secular humanists, abortionists, and homosexuals who have subverted the values under which we lived for a couple hundred years. Okay, so they had to cave on the slavery bit. But they see it as their country to take back.

It’s like America is a clubhouse built out of scrap wood by ten-year-old boys with a crude sign saying “No Gurls Aloud.” A couple of new guys thought it might be okay to let some gurls in, but then they wanted to ruin everything by tidying the place up and making rules and forcing everybody to share their cookies. So the older boys want to go back to the way it was before. After all, it’s their clubhouse, they built it, they should get to say what the rules are. (And if they’re your cookies, you get to eat them.)

People on the left want the country to be for everybody – with justice for all. They don’t want to exclude their fellow citizens on the right. They don’t look at the country as “us and them,” just us. All they want is to build a better clubhouse.

How long are we gonna let these older boys boss us around?

Sunday, March 6, 2011

In defense of pizza...


Conservatives are in an uproar. They have always held pizza to be sacred. Cheese and tomato. With pepperoni. Sometimes mushroom or sausage.

But it’s come to their attention that some liberal establishments are violating this sacred trust. Pizza with white sauce. Pizza without sauce! Pizza with tofu cheese or no cheese at all. And perhaps the greatest sin, pizza with arugula.

This cannot be tolerated.

In response, they have passed the Defense of Pizza Enactment (DOPE), which stipulates that pizza shall be regarded as an inviolable union of crust, tomato, and cheese. No substitutions. Any pizzeria that produces pies in violation of this tradition and persists in designating them as “pizza” shall be ineligible for filling take-out orders placed by any federal agency. Other combinations of ingredients will be designated as “oven pies” and consumers will be advised that discount coupons will not be honored for their purchase. In some states, delivery for these products may no longer be an option.

Reaction from liberal enclaves has been swift. California has passed legislation protecting pizza makers from any restrictions on their choice of toppings. Connecticut has enacted similar protection for apizza parlors in New Haven, where clam aficionados picketed federal buildings. And in Chicago, demonstrators marched in support of liberty for all pizza, regardless of crust.

When the President declared his intention to continue to order arugula on his pizzas, conservatives renewed their determination to defend pizza. “After all,” their Speaker said, “if we don’t identify with DOPE, who will?”

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Mr. Nice Guy


Somebody must’ve yelled at little Sammy Alito a lot.

As the only dissenting member of the Supremes, he held that the nutjobs from Westboro Baptist didn’t have a constitutional right to stage protests at military funerals. Okay, so carrying signs reading “God Hates Fags” is a bit over the top. But there are no exceptions to free speech, Sammy. Get with the program.

Good neighbor Sam obviously belongs to the if-you-can’t-say-something-nice-don’t-say-anything-at-all school. “Our profound national commitment to free and open debate,” he wrote in his dissent, “is not a license for the vicious verbal assault that occurred in this case.” Didn’t his mommy ever teach him about sticks and stones?

(Meanwhile, Auntie Sarah invoked “common sense and decency” in criticizing the decision. Rights? Why do we need rights when we’ve got common sense?)

I would express some consternation over the Roberts court getting it right, except the 8-1 decision showed it to be pretty much a no-brainer. It’s an open-and-shut case of free speech, for framer-channeler Scalia and the ladies alike. And ol’ Clarence didn’t even need to utter a word.

But wait a minute. Back before the Bush appointees, Scalia and Thomas dissented in Lawrence v. Texas (2003), which struck down that state’s sodomy law. So maybe this new decision merely reflects the fact that the liberal justices stand up for the First Amendment – and the conservatives merely concur that God hates fags. Check to see if they’re as open to free speech the next time a flag-burning case comes up.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Mommy needs a pair...


After watching Jon Stewart’s latest take on Wisconsin last night, I’ve decided I have to hand it to Republicans. One thing they’ve always been good at is controlling discourse. And one of the topics they’ve managed to control most effectively is “class warfare.”

Whenever lefties protest the privileges of the rich or extending tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, they’re immediately accused by the right of waging “class warfare.” It’s along the same lines as having the NRA respond to the slightest suggestion of firearm regulation with the cry “they’re trying to take our guns away.”

When I searched on “class warfare,” I found this very perceptive article in the Daily Kos. And the gist of it is this: The Republican agenda makes no bones about favoring the wealthy and penalizing the disadvantaged, but that’s not class warfare – only calling them on it is.

Think about it for a minute. They are blatantly waging class warfare whenever they try to defeat legislation that would give average people a break in areas like health care or minimum wage, or whenever they fail to regulate business and the net effect of that failure is environmental damage that affects people who can’t easily escape it. But even if all of the challenges to them were summarized by the statement, “You are waging class warfare,” they would accuse liberals of waging class warfare by merely bringing it up.

The presumption behind this scenario is that class warfare is an evil thing, something to be avoided in America because we are [supposed to be] a classless society, because this is the land of opportunity and everybody should be rewarded for their success, even when it comes at the expense of somebody else’s misfortune. To be accused of class warfare is tantamount to denying the American dream, and nobody wants to be accused of that. But the Dream went sour long ago. In fact, the Dream has pretty much always been a dream.

When lefties are accused of class warfare, why can’t they just reply, “Damn straight!” and mount a charge. No, the mommy party wants too badly to be liked, to forge bipartisan agreement. Meanwhile, daddy bulldozes right ahead.

Why can’t the left simply call a spade a spade and openly declare class warfare? After all, the right has been waging it all along. They’ve got a cause that’s more than righteous. All they need are the balls. For the mommy party? Dream on.